The Despie & Illiterate's Handbook


I'm afraid I can't claim credit to this list. It all started out on the Neopets roleplay board and was so hilarious I had to archive it (with permission!) with a few of my own additions for good measure.

Note to the Neopets players - many rules were quite similar, so a few were combined or re-worded. This was done so that the list would make more sense. I apologize if I've missed anything.

So, here they are, sorted out by type, but in no particular order other than that.


  1. You must be some kind of school stereotype, such as a prep, goth, skater, or punk.
  2. You should also be the most attractive person in your school.
  3. In a wolf roleplay, make yourself the hottest wolf. Then sit under a tree and do nothing.
  4. You must have a sexy figure, either slender or curvy. Make sure you describe it to everyone in the room. Don't skimp on important details like your bust and thighs.
  5. You must weigh so little that by all rights, you should be emaciated.
  6. Your smile must be warm, sweet, innocent, or gentle.
  7. Use words like "dazzling," "sparkling," and "enchanting" to describe yourself. Extra points for more poetic terms.
  8. No matter what time of the year it is, you should have a perfect tan.
  9. Girls, your clothing must show skin. Tank tops, tube tops, halter tops, and miniskirts are all preferable. If you are on a cruise, you should wear a cardigan top.
  10. Guys, you should be well over six feet tall and have green eyes. Don't forget to mention your 6- or 8-pack. And don't be afraid to show it off. Spiked hair is a must.
  11. Your shirt should have a witty saying on it. (EG, "I Eat Cows.")
  12. You should always show off just a little bit of your lingerie. Make sure it looks accidental.
  13. Black looks good on everyone and should be used relentlessly in your clothes and makeup.
  14. You should have a tattoo, preferably something like a dragon, butterfly, Chinese symbol, or angel.
  15. You should wear a piece of symbolic jewelry.
  16. Piercings are also great, preferably in your belly-button.
  17. There must be at least one girl with raven-colored purple-streaked hair and purple eyes.
  18. You absolutely must be single and looking.
  19. Someone close to you must have died. No matter how gorgeous, popular, and rich you are, you must be a tortured soul.
  20. No matter how old you are, you can still drink and smoke.
  21. You must be the most popular person in your school or unfairly disliked by practically everyone.
  22. You should always be the alpha of your wolf pack.
  23. Your name can be as exotic as you want. No-one will call you a hippie for being named Rain. And remember, boy's names are always cute on girls.
  24. No matter how late in the year it is, make your character a new student, preferably with some kind of European accent.
  25. All guys should have a skateboard and be a star player on the school football team. Girls should be the captain of the cheerleading squad. (There can always be multiple stars and captains!)
  26. If you wish to have some kind of job, it must be glamorous. Artists and singers are all in.
  27. Of course, you can also be filthy rich for no apparent reason.
  28. Always have a weird relation to the host's character.
  29. When in a band, you must be the only female member and should play a Fender guitar. (Any other brand makes you look ridiculous.)
  30. Be flirtatious. Flirt with the first guy you see. Flirt with the second guy you see. Flirt with every guy you see.
  31. Make sure you ask every cutie if they can be your "G/F" or "B/F".
  32. If trying to get a guy, keep typing how much of a "wild girl" you are until he just has to date you.
  33. Make SURE you share a hobby or interest with the cutie you have a crush on - even if you didn't before.
  34. You must always listen to a rock band on your CD player. Even if you don't like them, a boy will surely recognize the song and rave about you.
  35. If someone turns you down, be sure to have a fit, cry, and storm off to find the next available person.
  36. There must be at least one character who goes about sighing because no-one ever notices him/her. When someone does walk over, this character will be silent. If this person is of the opposite gender, the shy character will automatically assume that he/she is liked by the approaching character.
  37. Never turn down a kiss.
  38. You can always get attention by starting threads like "I'm quitting Neopets."
  39. You can also get attention by making a bully character to pester you. Some valiant male will come along to save you.
  40. Act depressed. Hopefully, some cutie will come along to comfort you and ask you out.
  41. Hang a sign on your door that reads "Roommate wanted."
  42. Your roommate MUST be the sex you are attracted to.
  43. Make sure you have a class with someone you want to flirt with. Even if you had your complete schedule made out before, you can always change it to suit your whim.
  44. Anyone who so much as looks at your love interest is trying to steal him/her and should be killed.
  45. If you are stuck on an island, you should be more concerned with making out with the cute guy than trying to get help.
  46. In a sleepover, you must hang around and say things like "This is boring, isn't it, honey?" Keep saying it over and over. Don't do anything else.
  47. Remember, nobody in a highschool roleplay ever actually has to go to class. They are usually cutting class, making out with his/her love interest, simply too cute for class, or at his/her locker for no apparent reason.
  48. If role-playing in a published universe, you must have a crush on the hottest canon character.
  49. You must be the same age and species of the character on whom you have a crush.
  50. You must kiss your love interest on every post.
  51. Power-play and god-mod. Just do it.
  52. NEVER admit to being a despie.
  53. If you don't want to sound like a despie, make your character blond, beautiful/hunky, but say that he/she doesn't care what other people think about him/her.
  54. No matter what your age, it's a good idea to have a hot car with lots of nifty extras. Don't be afraid to describe it in the minutest detail.
  55. Everyone must have his/her own locker. If anyone tries to take yours, then it shall be an all-out catfight!
  56. Sleepovers must take places at huge mansions with butlers, maids, and parents who let their daughters share sleeping bags with boys.
  57. Members of the faculty must be nonexistent or against you.
  58. Schools never have a dress code.
  59. Anyone who proves you wrong is automatically a bully and needs to be killed.
  60. Literates are horrible role-players, even if they describe things better than you, so you can actually understand what's going on in the roleplay.
  61. Don't bother joining a role-play unless romance is advertised right off the bat, preferably in the subject line.
  62. Only join wolf roleplays that are "in season."
  63. If no-one comes to your roleplay within ten seconds of its start, then it's not worth staying in.
  64. If you don't get a boyfriend or girlfriend within five posts, then you should make an excuse and leave for greener pastures.
  65. If you are a female, ask for male roleplayers only to come to your roleplay.
  66. If no male roleplayers show up, leave.
  67. Put things in other people's mouths.
  68. Write in big, pink, glowing letters. Everyone loves that.
  69. Give your titles names such as "XD XD XD XD T33n Sl33p0ver XD XD XD XD."
  70. You should add "N0 ru1es!" to your title.
  71. Spacingisnotmandatoryandcanbeleftout.
  72. CaPiTAlIZing LeTTerS aT RaNdOM Is a gOOd iDeA.
  73. Never post anything longer than three lines.
  74. Writing in 1337 never hurts.
  75. U can rite lyk dis al u watn.
  76. TYPE IN CAPITALS ALL YOU WANT.
  77. capitalization and punctuation are unnecessary
  78. Ruin literate boards. Break all the rules.

If you liked this, you might also like:

The Bad OC Love Interest's Handbook
Dear Internet Roleplayers of Questionable Skill...
How To Dress & Look Like A Female CRPG Protagonist
How to be a Completely Revolting Fan



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