Things We're Not Likely To See On The Screen


  1. The person who tells tales of aliens, monsters, and conspiracies will turn out to have made it up for attention, or is genuinely mentally ill and delusional.
  2. A character who believes in the paranormal will not believe everything at first go because of the sheer numbers of people who make it up for attention or money, misinterpret what they saw, or are simply mentally ill.
  3. Two people will be engaged at the start of the story, and by the end of the story they're still getting married or got married without having any second thoughts.
  4. A little person in a role that is not supposed to be a dwarf or some kind of mythological race, and whose height is not a plot point.
  5. A vampire who abstains from human blood for purely pragmatic reasons - ie, because incurring the wrath of the local vampire killers is more trouble than it's worth and moving to someplace where it would be easier to get is too much of a bother.
  6. A vampire that looks like a bloated, decaying corpse (ie, the original vampire) and nothing like the fantasy of a 16-year-old gothling or wannabe-badass.
  7. A white hero will learn the ways of an indiginous people, but will not become one of them.
  8. A group of indiginous people or aliens modeled after a group of indiginous people will overcome the white man/humans without a white guy heading their plans.
  9. A white person/human who defects to the other side will be treated as a cultural n00b and will have to kiss a lot of butt and eat truckloads of humble pies to earn any respect at all, and by the end of the story will not have earned a position of leadership.
  10. A skeptic will be portrayed like a real skeptic, not how the average person thinks skeptics act and think.
  11. The fact that heroes who normally operate in the US or in Britain are suddenly in a foreign country will not be reinforced by a sudden fanfare of local-style music.
  12. A character who is supposed to be a racist will be portrayed like how 90% of real racists act - less KKK, more ignorant and hurtful remarks like "why don't you straighten your hair?"
  13. A lone scientist with strange or revolutionary ideas whom the rest of the scientific community laughs off as a crackpot will turn out to be just that: a crackpot.
  14. Someone predicting the end of the world will turn out to be completely wrong.
  15. Wicca will be portrayed correctly: as a 60ish-year-old religion invented in England, and not something that survived from ancient times, let alone something that anyone might have been practicing during the Salem Witch Trials.
  16. The Salem Witch Trials will come up, and nobody will act as if it were even possible that there were real witches involved.
  17. A defibrilator will be used correctly: to stop the heart, not to start it.
  18. Mind-control will be portrayed as a system of mind-games and info-spamming, not something you do with mad science.
  19. Humanity will turn out to be the only form of sapient life in the universe that hasn't yet managed to wipe itself out.
  20. Starving aliens will come to Earth and make off with rabbits, rats, and other fast-breeding edibles.
  21. Aliens in desperate need of other natural resources will not be searching for something that can be found in abundance elsewhere in the galaxy without those pesky humans to protect it.
  22. An "advanced" being will discover primitive humans and give them a bunch of edicts to live by in order to improve their condition. Years later it will stop by to see how the humans are doing. The results will make it realize that it never understood humans well enough to tell them what to do in the first place, and it will apologize for its mistake.
  23. The person whose life is turned upside-down by the sudden arrival of a wacky alien or a bunch of quirky little creatures will not be a middle class white male.
  24. The so-called "everyman" will not be represented by a white, straight, cis-gendered, middle-class male.
  25. A black actor will play the lead in a story that is NOT an action or a comedy.
  26. A Latina/Latino will play the lead in anything that is not a Spy Kids movie, and will obviously be Latina/Latino.
  27. An Asian will get a leading role in a story that has nothing to do with martial arts or Asia.
  28. A green aesop will be learned without invoking the use of a Magical Minority Member or cute woodland animals.
  29. An undead vampire will not at some point visibly pant or otherwise breathe heavily.
  30. Spacefaring explorers will go shopping someplace that does not look like an old-fashioned outdoor marketplace or a grungy junk shop.
  31. A character will become pregnant, and it will be a perfectly normal pregnancy with no complications (magical or mundane), and there will be absolutely no prophecies or mystical shenanigans of any kind.
  32. A conventionally "unattractive" woman (read: not attractive by Hollywood standards) will play a love interest, and the story will not involve any kind of moral about judging others by their appearance, nor will she get a a makeover that causes her to become attractive.
  33. Cavemen or people analogous to cavemen will be depicted, and they will not run around half-hunched over nor will they act like a bunch of jittery monkeys at the sight or sound of anything remotely strange.
  34. Something with a large cast that is not explitly aimed at females will feature more than two female main characters.
  35. A feminist will appear in a non-historical work and will not behave like a radfem.
  36. When the aliens arrive, their own chemical makeup will be so different from that of life on Earth that nothing on this planet is even remotely edible to them, and they'd do just as well to raid Mars for resources.
  37. An alien operating system that doesn't look like the latest trends in web design.
  38. An alien from a higher plane of existance who, while having and understanding all "human" emotions, doesn't have any more cosmic and/or profound knowledge than your average potato farmer.
  39. Alien technology that doesn't involve crystals or anything remotely resembling crystals larger than the head of a pin whatsoever.
  40. A race of people known as "ancients" whose wisdom and knowledge was largely based on superstition.
  41. Alien/futuristic technology that doesn't make an inordinate amount of beeps and bips when used. (Least of all a bip every time a single button is pushed, which in real life would become nervewracking very quickly.)
  42. Perfectly nice and peaceable aliens who really don't like bright lighting.
  43. Warlike, nasty aliens who also enjoy botany.
  44. An ancient piece of technology or weaponry that has been rendered completely useless due to the natural wear and tear of time.
  45. Carnivorous aliens who actually have a relatively peaceful and well-developed culture.
  46. Sexually-uninhibited aliens who are plagued by STDs. And pass them onto the hero.
  47. An attractive alien from a sexually uninhibited culture who does not end up having sex with one of the main characters.
  48. A race of aliens who enjoy hunting one particular life-form, and that life-form isn't sapient, let alone humanoid.
  49. A prophecied event happens in a manner that doesn't involve the heroes in any way, shape, or form.
  50. A prophecied event Just Doesn't Happen, point-blank.
  51. The hero will actually meet an alien woman, fall in love with her, marry her, and they will live out a relatively happy marriage until one of them dies of natural causes at a ripe old age.
  52. The child of someone with special/superpowers will inheirit no abilities whatsoever, will never develop any abilities whatsoever, and grow up to be a well-adjusted, productive, and yes, even relatively ordinary citizen.
  53. A half-alien child will inherit none of the alien parent's special alien abilities whatsoever.
  54. A half-alien child will inherit the less-than-attractive features of the alien parent or will combine alien/human features in a way that is less than attractive and will survive to adulthood to be a relatively well-adjusted individual.
  55. A human male will fall in love with, of his own accord, an alien female who by most standards is pretty unattractive.
  56. A group of "black" aliens will have a richly-developed and highly intellectual culture. Alternatively, a "white" alien race will still be hopping around campfires and making a terrible racket in an effort to drive away evil spirits.
  57. A female will seize control of a ship, base, or whatever without using her sex appeal and playing the vamp even once.
  58. A man and a woman will get into a physical fight. She will hand his derrier to him on a silver platter, and never at any future point will they fall in love.
  59. A character who has a son will be married and stay married throughout the duration of the series.
  60. An alien people will make some kind of trade agreement with Earthlings, and they don't have some kind of sneaky or questionable motive.
  61. A turncoat will still be sympathetic to the people he/she left behind and will be reluctant to actually oppose them face-to-face, if only because they are his/her people, after all.
  62. "Ancient technology" that turns out to be nothing more than a few rusty swords, a rotting canoe, and a flint - in other words, ancient technology!
  63. A white, glowy being that is, in fact, indescribably evil.



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